Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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