Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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