I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I smell like Dick and happiness
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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