do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
