Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
