i think my tv is drunk
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
