Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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