I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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