Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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