i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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