He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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