ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
