We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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