He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
