I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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