i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
