You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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