Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Boobs speak an international language.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
