I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
