he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
