Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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