I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Terrible idea I love it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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