Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
