never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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