I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
