i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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