Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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