If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
