If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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