would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
