Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
