i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
