Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
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