So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
