I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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