I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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