I haven't been this sober since birth.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
