if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
