I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The beer is more important than you right now.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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