well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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