Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish I only lived at night.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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