just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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