gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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