my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
