The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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