I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
