One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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