Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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