Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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