Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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