Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You ruined the universe
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
