We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
