How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
