I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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