Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
