Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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