If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
