So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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