My liver just broke up with me...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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