i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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